As I alluded to last week, I went ballistic and chopped off all my hair. It was the morning after Valentine’s day. I was trying to figure out what to do with my hair. My frustrations were raging as I knew anything I did with it would only last a day or two and then I’d be back at square one. I knew I was close to a big chop, but I figured I would go and get my favourite hairstyle done one more time as that one should last me about a week.
So I was trying to get ready to go but I was also battling another demon inside. I was trying to take control of several situations that I had allowed to spiral way too far outta control and I decided I needed to do something to take back the reins. That something was staring back at me in the mirror. I said fine, I’ll go to the hairdresser and let her cut it. But even that seemed like me giving control over to someone else. I wanted an immediate solution. I decided it really couldn’t be that bad if I chopped it off myself.
So I grabbed my shears, I went into my bathroom, and I chopped. That first cut was…..
So many things flew through my head. I cut it too short so I kicked myself for cutting off so much of my precious new growth. Then the shears had a hard time with it so I kicked myself for creating split ends with a dull scissor. Or maybe it was too thick a section. Then I looked at myself and said
You’re not pretty anymore.
And that did me in. What in the world had gotten into me??? Who was I talking to? I’m not pretty anymore because I was cutting my hair??? It’s just hair! I got so mad at myself for even thinking that so I went to work and cut the rest off.
Then I looked at myself in the mirror. What in the world had I done. It was choppy, lopsided, uneven, all over the damn place. My head felt light and I could feel the breeze going through it. But I did it and there was no turning back. You know ever since I made the decision to go natural, I knew a big chop would be in my future. I’ve always wanted to sport a short curly do. But I was a little scared I won’t lie. I wasn’t prepared. A haircut this short needed accessories and makeup and all the things I don’t wear and therefore didn’t have. I hate makeup. I only do eyes and lipgloss when I’m feeling fancy. I sweat way too much for foundation and the whole nine. And I gave up on earrings long ago when my ears decided it was too sensitive for anything that wasn’t real gold. And scarves? Forget about it…
But at the same time I felt proud. I felt empowered. I did it. *does Dora dance* And if I could do this, I can do some of the other things I keep pushing to the side because I’m a coward. And in the couple days since I have cut my hair I have certainly been putting my best foot forward and not holding back. But back to the big chop…
So funny. One side is tooooootally *longer* than the next. Thankfully, it’s not too obvious when its washed.
This is without any product applied, fresh out the shower. I’ve been reading up on my natural ingredients, especially since I haven’t been able to get my hands on any of the products that all the bloggers rave about here in Jamaica. But you know what, these natural ingredients are doing the damn thing. I deep conditioned the other day with honey, mayo, olive oil, coconut oil and aloe vera. It was sooooo good. I cannot keep my fingers out my hair which isn’t going well with the whole “no frizz” thing but I soooo love my hair! I love my curls. I am at a loss as to why I ever put relaxer in my hair as I’ve always preferred a curly do. My first relaxer was all my decision, when I was fresh outta high school, preparing for the graduation ceremony. That’s a post in and of itself, it was such a joke.
So I’ve been experimenting with some scraps of fabric from back in the day when I used to sew. I’m so not a headband kinda girl. What do you think? Well, I did what I know best and coloured it instead. How’s that for accessorizing? I’ve always done some shade of blonde so I decided to try a red this time around. Unfortunately it didn’t come out as deep as I wanted it, but its a start. So there you have it, my big chop! I really can’t wait for some growth! :p
*** One week later I’m just now getting used to passing a mirror and not jumping! I think I am finally getting used to seeing myself like this, and I have decided, I quite like it. Plus I so love my curls
Thank you all so much for your encouraging words below and on twitter and facebook. They’ve helped me to remember that I am not my hair. I am still quite new in my natural journey and very open to all your product and styling suggestions.